I have been saving things I wrote to add to this blog, and since I have to stay off my feet for a while, this is my chance to finally add them.  This was written in the middle of the night, because I didn't want to forget any of it, it was so vivid in my mind and so real.  A real blessing and comfort, about 1 month before the 1 year anniversary of his death:




April 2, 2012, 3:55 am


I just had the most beautiful vision.

I had just gone to bed, completely worn out.  Once again I stayed up too late working.  I laid down and instantly thought of CJ, which often happens when I'm trying to go to sleep.  Sometimes I have torturous thoughts of the pain he went through as he was dying, or the worry, or what was he thinking in those last moments.  Did he think of us?  Was he crying?  Was he in agony thinking he might not see his children again?  Or was he in denial as we all were, thinking, "This isn't happening!  How can this be my life?  This isn't supposed to happen!"

I closed my eyes, covered my head and cried out, "Please, Maker of the Universe, King of everything and everyone, Almighty, Baruch atah Adonai elohaynu melech ha'olam.  Please take care of my son, tell him I love him and we miss him!  I don't think I can go on any longer without him!!"  Once again my body shook with uncontrollable sobs.

I immediately saw almost like rainbows swirling, then leaves funneling up from the ground in a torrent of wind, and there's CJ, walking along in the woods wearing a kind of rangers hat, but more like something they'd wear in the outback of Australia.  He's wearing shorts, but long socks and work boots, a plain t-shirt, and he's smiling from ear to ear! 

So there he is, plain as day, walking along with a clipboard, leading a bunch of people.  They appear to be from many different countries, possibly other planets, and they're trekking through the woods and brush, and around the edges of a meadow, as he shows them, teaches them, the medicinal purposes of each plant they encounter.  All the time he has a smile on his face, joking, absolutely engulfed in the joy of sharing his knowledge.  He shows them Lemon Yarrow, and Echinacea, and all the comfrey which has taken over parts of the garden. 

But in the vision, it's like I was there too, standing on the edge of the woods watching.  I was looking on as they'd identify and sample the many trees and bushes.  Once in a while he'd look directly at me and smile, like he wanted to come talk to me but he was "on duty."   But he was loving it.   

There I stood watching him live his new "after" life, when he finally came to the edge of the woods and was right there in front of me.  He just said quietly, "Mom, it's OK!!  Everything's gonna be OK!  We'll be together again very soon, it'll feel like a long time to you but it's only a few days here!  We will all have each other again, we'll all be together.  I love you, don't worry!  It's all gonna be OK.  I love you mom."

He rejoined his class, and I just stood there in amazement watching him as he answered questions and jetted back and forth between his "students."  There were these little rivers of swirling rainbow colors, and he would step onto one and ride it almost like an escalator or moving sidewalk, but it was faster and more challenging.  Almost like he was surfing, and he'd whoop it up like, "Wooo-hooo-hooo-hooo" in that goofy crazy way he and Kelsey used to say it.  He'd laugh and smile and ride it for a second, then step off and continue with his hike.  As he walked away, teaching his big class of foreigners, they struggled to follow, almost having to run to keep up with his long, exuberant, joyous steps.  He kept looking back and blowing kisses to me, waving, and laughing....